Dear Santa:

I think if you check the record, I’ve been a good boy this year. You also know that my deep and abiding interest in golf often means that at Christmas time, many of my friends and relatives think that a golf-related gift would be just perfect for me.

In case anyone asks, however, I thought you should know which golf presents I’d just as soon not be given.

I guess you could call this the Un-Christmas List.

First, I don’t want a video copy of Caddyshack II, the completely regrettable followup to the 1980 movie classic, Caddyshack.

I realize that the list of good movies about golf is pretty short, but look at how one reviewer from Amazon.com sums up this turkey:

Caddyshack II is not only the worst movie sequel of all time, it may well be the worst movie of all time, period.... Caddyshack II is worse than a cheap imitation of Caddyshack....[T]hey decided to make a cheesy and very predictable bore, which was an example of the worst excesses of the schlock sentimentality movie-making of the 80s.... Save yourself the regret of having wasted any part of your life having watched this monstrosity.

In the book category, please make sure no one gives me Golf and Astrology, which is available at Amazon.com for only $8.99. Even at that price, I’m just not interested in finding out that my golf handicap may be affected by the fact that I’m a Sagittarius.

I don’t know where my moon rises, and I don’t want to know.

Our Smokey Joe grill is over 20 years old, and we use it all summer. Just the same, it’s okay with me if I don’t receive the Golf Bar-B-Que Set that’s on sale at The Golf Warehouse. According to the ad copy, the spatula and fork are made with "replica golf shafts and golf grips." The brush’s wooden handle is shaped to look like a golf tee.

It might be "The Perfect Gift For The Golfing Gourmet," but I’ll pass, thanks.

If you can, I’d also like to not receive the Simpsons Talking Head Golf Covers Set, on sale at Giftapolis.com for "only" $79.95. Each cover requires 3 AAA batteries, and "makes unique wisecracks, specially recorded by the actual voice of the TV character."

Just what I need--a headcover that yells "D’Oh!" during my backswing.

Not.

In the trinket category, I’d really appreciate it if someone else is given the Three Stooges Golf Water Globe, also for sale at Giftapolis.com for a surprising $39.95. The inside of the globe depicts Moe, Larry, and Curly in golf outfits, and the base of the snow globe allegedly looks like a golf ball.

I know this thing also plays "Three Blind Mice," but it’s just not me.

You know I like to bake cookies, and I always make sure some are set out for you each Christmas Eve. Even so, I don’t want anyone to give me the Golf Cart Cookie Jar that The Golf Warehouse is selling for $39.95. It shows a golfing couple riding in the cart. They claim that "The determination on his face is undeniable," and that "The anxiety on her face is just as intense."

I just don’t think I should support that kind of stereotypical artwork, do you?

Finally, I’d really appreciate it if you kept me from being given the Crystal Golf Desk Clock, on sale for $39.99 at The Golf Warehouse. The ad copy for this clock actually says it’s "A timeless gift," with a golf ball clock sitting on top of brass clubs.

Can someone tell me how a clock can be timeless?

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not be given this Christmas.

Have a great holiday, and say hi to the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

The Un-Christmas List

Caddyshack II

Golf and Astrology

Golf Bar-B-Que Set

Simpsons Talking Head Golf Covers Set

Three Stooges Golf Water Globe

Golf Cart Cookie Jar

Crystal Golf Desk Clock

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