Please don’t give me these Christmas golf gifts

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

November 29, 2002

Dear Santa:

I still believe I’ve been a good boy this year. And as we discussed last year, you know that many of my friends and relatives think a golf-related Christmas gift would be just perfect for me.

We had a lot of success making sure you knew which golf presents I’d just as soon not be given. I didn’t receive anything from last year’s Un-Christmas List.

I figured I should add to the list, however, because there’s just so much golf stuff out there I really don’t want.

For example, I suppose some folks would like the Betty Boop Clubhead Cover, now on sale at Edwin Watts for $19.99.

It’s cute and all, but I keep thinking that no matter how I try to remove Betty from my driver, I would violate two or more criminal laws of this state.

Do I pull her hair? Lift her skirt? Grab hold of a couple other “features”? What’s a law-abiding fellow to do?

Speaking of avoiding trouble, I really don’t think my golf game would be helped if I read Combat Golf: The Competitor’s Field Manual for Winning Against Any Opponent.

According to Amazon.com, which is selling used copies, the book “explains how players can draw on proven military strategies and effective psychological tactics to size up an opponent, work together as a team, rally back from disaster, or prepare oneself mentally for competition.”

Sort of takes away from the idea of friendly competition, from what I can tell.

Of course, after unsuccessfully trying to use the Combat Golf principles, I might actually be in the mood to stomp on a few Golf Stepping Stones when I return home. I found these bits of painted resin for sale at Golfsmith, for $39.99.

Personally, when the catalogue sales copy tells me that these things are “festive,” that’s a good sign they are anything but.

You know I don’t drink much, so there really wouldn’t be much point in giving me the Stainless Steel Golf Flask that Goldsmith is selling, even if there’s a “100% pewter” golf scene stuck on its side ($24.99).

I appreciate the fact there’s “an attached arm that keeps the screw-on lid close at hand,” but I play golf badly enough while I’m sober.

As for other golf stuff, I can really do without the Putter Bears now on sale by the USGA.

They say that both the 20″ high wooden carved bear ($149) and the 8″ high cast resin miniature bear ($26) would be “unique conversation pieces.”

They would be right, but not for the reasons they might think.

I can well imagine someone starting a conversation in our house with “What the heck are those bears?”

Sometimes it’s the way that the catalogues describe the golf stuff that keeps me from wanting what they’re selling.

Golfsmith is selling what they call a Classic Golf Throw for $39.99.

They suggest the little blanket would be perfect for “those brisk Spring nights,” and suggest I’d be more comfortable if I used this “throw made of 100% triple-sewn acrylic.”

You tell me, Santa—what’s so classic about acrylic?

Genuine Scottish wool is classic.

Finally, the pair of caroling golfers the USGA is selling just confuses me.

These items feature handpainted faces and “custom-sewn vintage golf attire.”

The USGA charges $64 for the male and $58 for the female. I suppose the price difference is based on how much harder it is to sew a tiny pair of knickers than a tiny A-line skirt.

The odd thing is that these figurines are carrying golf clubs while allegedly Christmas caroling.

Can someone explain this to me?

The usual idea of a crowd of people coming to someone’s house door holding long metal instruments involves pitchforks, pine tar torches, and other farm implements, accompanied by shouts of “Kill, Kill!”

Not exactly the holiday spirit they were aiming for, is it?

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not receive this Christmas.

Have a great holiday. Please say hi to the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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