You really didn’t have to give me that for Christmas–really

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

November 28, 2003

Dear Santa:

I think I may have set a record for being good this year, at least most of the time. And since you and my family and friends know how much I love golf, I’m sure that you’ll be thinking about a golf-related Christmas gift.

Just so we’re clear, however, there are still some items I’d really rather not receive, if it’s all the same to you.

For example, I saw this Golf Club Wine Rack at The Golf Warehouse website, listed at $69.95.

The ad says it uses authentic steel club heads for the feet, and a real club grip for the handle.

It also says I can “Bring the Golf Course into [my] home” with this “high quality wine rack.”

The thing is, I can’t ever remember carrying six bottles of wine with me while I played golf.

I also appreciate the thought, but I don’t really need a Golf Bag Night Light, on sale at The Golf Warehouse for $29.95.

The ad copy on the web site says it’s the “Golf-Theme Accessory That Belongs In The Home of Everyone Who Loves The Game!”

Pardon me, but I don’t think so.

I’m also sure that some folks of a certain age might get a real kick of receiving their own Scooby-Doo Plush Headcover from the same store for only $19.95.

The folks at The Golf Warehouse even go so far as to say it’s “Fun for any age,” which I think is just a tad presumptuous on their part, don’t you?

The ad copy also says, “They’ll really see you coming down the fairway with this head cover.”

Well, yes—yes, they certainly will.

From my perspective, therefore, I only have one thing to say: “Rut-Roh.”

If we’re lucky we’ll have a white Christmas here in the Cape Region. On those happy occasions, I often like to keep warm and curl up with an afghan.

However, if the afghan in question is the Golfing Santa Holiday Throw, sold by Austads for $49.95, I think I’d rather shiver.

Something about the image on that blanket, of you putting on a green shaped like a flattened Christmas tree, doesn’t really do it for me.

I’m sure you understand.

Speaking of warm, we recently had a cord of firewood delivered to our house. And while I appreciate the gesture, I don’t really need to have own Five-Piece Clubhead Fireplace Set, like the ones sold at The Golf Warehouse for $79.95.

I’m well aware that it includes “Polished Brass Clubheads” as on top of the broom, shovel, poker, clamps, and base, but there are several non-golfers in the family who might get the wrong idea about my real golf clubs if they see these, okay?

I’m also well aware that the winter-time is when we set out food for the birds.

Just the same, I think I would rather use something for this purpose other than the Golf Style Birdie Bird Feeder sold at Austads for $30.95.

The website catalogue says that its “stylish.” I guess in one respect they’re absolutely correct.

It’s just not a style I like–not at all, in fact.

And while we’re on the subject of garden implements, I’d also really rather not be given my own Golf Style Rain Gauge that Austads is selling for $19.95.

They tell me that this device, with its golf bag on top and imitation golf hole below is both “nostalgic and functional.”

They might be correct about it functioning and all, but “nostalgic”?

Anyway, thanks again for giving me the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not receive this Christmas.

Have a great holiday yourself, and say hi to the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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