Barking up the wrong trees
November 12, 2004
Golfers sometimes tell their fellow players that trees are “90 per cent air”.
They lie.
I recently proved beyond doubt that trees are 90 per cent wood, fully capable of repeatedly frustrating an earnest attempt at playing good golf.
One fine Saturday morning I joined Cape Region golfers George Merchant, Bob Stevens, and Mike Cavanaugh for a friendly round.
Merchant is a 3-handicapper, and I always appreciate his comments on how I’m playing.
“Nice swing!,” Merchant told me on the first tee. Unfortunately, he only said it one more time during the rest of the round.
The bogey on the first hole was routine. However, my drive off the second tee box gave a hint of what was to come.
The ball skied right, and hit a tree.
The recovery shot wasn’t much better.
The ball hit a tree.
That led to a double bogey.
The trouble continued on the third hole tee shot.
The ball hit a tree.
That led to another double bogey.
Merchant said “Nice swing” as I hit my tee shot on the par-3 4th hole.
The ball landed in the greenside trap.
Three swings later the ball left the bunker, leading to a triple bogey.
The next three holes passed without incident, but the fun returned with the first shot on the 8th hole.
The ball skied right, and hit a tree.
I pulled the recovery shot into the left rough, and hit another tree with the next stroke. This led to another double bogey.
I parred the 9th hole, but then pushed my tee shot on the 10th hole over a stand of trees and next to the 18th fairway. I threaded a low running shot under the branches toward the green.
Things looked good.
The ball then bounced on the cart path, shot across the green, and rolled into a trap.
Two shots later it was out of the sand, leading to another triple.
I believe I may have said something out loud at that point, but the ball wasn’t listening.
On the 11th hole, my third shot hit the trees short of the green—another triple bogey.
The tee shot on the 12th hole looked promising for about three seconds—then the ball hit a tree.
The second shot hit another tree.
The third shot hit another tree, and landed in a greenside bunker—double bogey.
I managed to bogey the 13th hole without incident. On the 14th hole, however, my second swing hit a tree and stayed under it, leading to a stubbed recovery shot and another double bogey.
The 15th hole tee shot was short but straight, but the next shot was short and crooked. The third shot, which was aimed toward the green, went right instead, and hit a tree.
After that double bogey, I wasn’t at all surprised when my tee shot on the 16th landed in a bunker. The fact I got out in one shot and two-putted for bogey was the real surprise.
The tee shot on 17 was more like it.
The ball hit a tree.
I scraped through the rest of that hole for another double.
On the 18th tee box, I squiffed my drive to a spot on the fairway not too far from the ladies’ tee. I then pulled out my previously trusty 5-wood, and tried to advance the ball to the hundred yard mark.
The ball hit a tree.
The recovery shot then hooked left of the greenside bunker–naturally. After all, the hole was neatly tucked on the left side of the green. By then the resulting double bogey not only finished the round, but felt completely natural.
It’s probably a good thing I’m going to the Rehoboth Independent Film Festival this weekend.
I don’t think I want to see any more trees or sand for a while.