You don’t really want to give these golf gifts for Christmas

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 3, 2004

Dear Santa,

I thought I wouldn’t have to warn you anymore about some of the dubious golf gifts that are out there.

I was wrong.

If anything, things have gotten worse since the last time I wrote you.

That’s why I’m writing again, to make sure you know what I’d really rather not be given this year.

For example, I don’t care what other folks think about The Golfers Toilet Paper Holder, now being sold at The Golf Warehouse for $17.95.

To me, it’s just creepy.

Did the creators of this item never hear of shy bladder syndrome?

Besides which, don’t you think it looks like the two guys holding the golf club/tissue paper rod are also checking out your grip? Look how they’re staring. Ewww.

Speaking of “bathroom novelties with a golf theme (!),” it’s hard to imagine anything more bizarre than the Piddle Poop ‘N’ Putt.

An artificial turf mat fits in front of a toilet hopper, and there’s a little plastic putter and two plastic golf balls that goes with it.

The folks at Macbirdie.com sell this for $22.95, and they say it’s popular and “gets rave reviews time and again.”

If that’s true, then civilization as we know it is doomed.

To be frank, Santa, I just don’t know what it is about golfers that makes their friends and relatives think that anything that’s made with a golf-related theme will be instantly loved and appreciated.

Take these hand-painted ceramic Golf Bag Salt & Pepper Sets, for example.

The Golf Warehouse sells them for $16 a pair.

The catalog ad copy says they’re “perfect for the table, for display, or for those special collections.”

Maybe these shakers are suitable for a special collection that shows that there’s one born every minute–but otherwise, I don’t think so.

And how about this Golf Ball Candle that The Golf Warehouse is hawking for $19.95?

The copy writers actually had the nerve to say that this 6 ½ inch by 5 inch hunk of wax is “perfect for every décor.”

That’s just not true, and they know it. How do they sleep at night?

The Golf Warehouse even tries to explain why they sell some of this stuff.

For example, in the ad copy for one item they say that “It’s no secret that most golfers are pretty fanatical about the game.

The Golf Ball Napkin Rings are designed to accent the home and remind golfers about the pleasures of ‘the game’ even during the cold winter months.”

I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just too dense. What is it about a $3.95 napkin ring shaped like a golf ball with a big hole in it that reminds me why I love this sport so much?

Santa, you also know that some Christmas gifts will only last a very short while after the wrapping comes off.

In the case of candy and other perishables, that’s to be expected. On the other hand, I’m not sure how long the Happy Face Waterglobe (macbirdie.com; $21.99) will remain intact around some golfers I know.

I can easily imagine a Christmas morning in which they open the package, see this globe, and quietly thank whoever gave it to them. Then they wait for a nice sunny Saturday in early January.

They take the globe outside, after first carefully maneuvering the idiotic smiley-face ball onto its tee.

After setting it down in their back yard, they would bring out their driver, take a long smooth backswing, and whack the heck out of it.

Shattered glass? Probably.

Risk of injury? Sure.

And it would all be worth it.

Anyway, thanks again for giving me the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not receive this Christmas.

Have a great holiday yourself, and say hi to the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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