Santa, please don’t give me these golf gifts

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 9, 2005

Dear Santa:

I’ve been as good as ever this past year, so I know I might have some nice Christmas gifts coming my way.

On the other hand, some well-meaning friends might think that just because I love golf, I would enjoy any gift that has anything to do with the sport.

As you know from our prior correspondence on this issue, however, nothing could be further from the truth.

So could you please make sure I don’t receive these remarkable items?

For example, I recently saw this Golf Ball and Tee Mailbox at a home near one of the Cape Region golf courses, which will remain nameless for obvious reasons.

Think about the poor neighbors, forced to stare at a huge white plastic golf ball mailbox, stretching two feet in diameter, and sitting on a 35-inch plastic tee that slides over a standard 4″ x 4″ post.

For that matter, pity the poor postman.

The folks at Seattleluxe.com say that the list price is $330, but they’ll sell it for “only” $269.99. For those who want to be just a little more subdued, they’ll also sell just the golf ball mailbox, without the tee, for $179.99.

Lots of folks know that I’m an avid reader.

However, that doesn’t mean that I would actually use a roll of Golf Bathroom Tissue paper, even if each sheet “features golf quotes and cartoon illustrations.”

After all, one risk is that you’ll start reading ahead, and then have trouble rewinding it. I’m also troubled by the notion that a single toilet roll should cost $5.95, even on sale at The Golf Warehouse.

I don’t know too many golfers who make the connection between water and golf, except as a hazard.

Perhaps that’s why the sales staff at TheGolfCellar.com limited themselves to this ad copy for a Golf Bag Aquarium, which I now repeat in its entirety: “Very unique!”

Well, yes.

But still, plopping down $69.95 for a 15-inch high and 12-inch wide golf-themed fish tank seems a bit much, don’t you think?

As you know, Santa, lots of men receive footwear every Christmas.

Even so, I really don’t need my own pair of Golf Slippers from TheGolfCellar.com ($21.95).

The fact that this model features “skid-proof ‘cleats’” and an “embroidered kilty” won’t change my mind.

I like novelty golf club head covers as much as anyone, but there’s a point at which these covers could actually affect one’s game.

For example, The Golf Warehouse is selling Muppet Character covers, including one of the crazy little drummer, Animal, for $19.95.

I dunno about that—Animal’s a great Muppet, but he just doesn’t inspire the idea of maintaining a relaxed swing through the ball, does he?

Sometimes you just have to wonder if the folks who write the ad copy for this stuff have any real-world experience with golfers.

Take, for example, what they say about this Golf Bag Ice Bucket, on sale at The Golf Warehouse for $26.95.

According to them, this plastic-lined container, measuring 7 inches high, wide, and deep, is “An After Round Essential!”

I’m sorry, but that’s just not true.

It’s not true for me, it’s not true for any of my golfing friends, and it’s not true for any sane person I know.

It looks like the copy writers for the Be the Ball Coaster Set also had a problem coming up with something that would attract buyers for this stuff ($9.95).

According to them, these drip catchers “Add A Touch Of Style And Flair To Your Home!”

Then again, they didn’t really say they would add a good style, or a great flair, so maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental.

Anyway, thanks again for giving me the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not receive this Christmas.

And, as always, say hi to the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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