A not-too-serious list of the laws of golf
October 26, 2007
A friend of mine recently sent me a mostly new batch of golf laws. Some of them are pretty familiar, having appeared in similar emails. Others are not only fresh, but funny.
See if you agree.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that an even worse shot is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer season, and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf ever will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant ‘You looked up,’ or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: Every par-three hole has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 7: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 8: Golf balls from the same ‘sleeve’ tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW 3)
LAW 9: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 10: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 11: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 12: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 13: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
LAW 14: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 15: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
LAW 16: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.
LAW 17: Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
LAW 18: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
LAW 19: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 20: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 21: It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
LAW 22: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 23: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
LAW 24: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the universe.
LAW 25: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
LAW 26: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
LAW 27: You can put ‘draw’ on the ball, you can put ‘fade’ on the ball, but no golfer can put ‘straight’ on the ball.
LAW 28: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.