Santa, please don’t give me these golf gifts for Christmas

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 11, 2015

Dear Santa:

If you check the records, I’ve sent you this special letter every year since 2001. You really paid attention, and helped keep me from golf-related gifts that I would rather not receive.

Thanks for that—really and truly.

Once again, however, I thought you should know which golf presents I’d just as soon not be given this year.

For example, we recently had some new landscaping work done around the house, but that doesn’t mean I would like to have giant Golfing Frogs standing next to the new shrubbery.

The folks at Frontgate.com think that these two-foot high hand-painted aluminum statues “will make a delightful addition to the garden or entryway of your favorite golfer”.

No, they won’t, whether it’s just one of these $149 pieces, or all three, available combined at a discounted $399.

I also retired from my regular work this year, so I have more time to develop interests in new games and hobbies.

That said, I still have no interest in playing chess, and especially if it involves using a Golf Chess Set.

Also found at Frontgate.com, these Italian made hand-painted brass pieces come in a fancy “bird’s-eye maple veneer” storage box that has a chess board on top of it.

The sellers say this is “an extraordinary gift for those who love the links.” At $1,500 for the set, I think they are correct, but not in the way they might have intended.

At the far other end of the taste spectrum, I was a little surprised to see that something I wrote you about many years ago was still available for unsuspecting golf fans.

I refer, of course, to the Clubhouse Collection Bathroom Golf Game.

Allegedly “more fun than reading,” this item still features a plastic putting green, plastic putter, two plastic golf balls, and a plastic golf flag.

Brookstone.com has this on sale for $14.99, which automatically reduces my respect for that retail establishment.

When I wrote you about this the last time, I had hopes that it would just disappear from the marketplace. My hopes were dashed, it seems.

Speaking of dashed hopes, our family includes long-suffering fans of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Given the team’s generally wretched performances this season, I think you can readily understand why I would not like to receive a Team Golf® Philadelphia Eagles Headcover.

The ad copy says that the headcover materials “protect[] your club like the Eagles protect the endzone.”

To be blunt, that’s what worries me.

The fairway wood cover is available at $21.99 at Dickssportinggoods.com.

This is one of those gift ideas that might be okay at some point, but not this year–too much sadness.

On a somewhat brighter note, the folks at Etsy.com often have some very nice things on offer, frequently of the handmade variety, and this year is no exception.

However, that doesn’t mean I would like to have this Golf Cart Seat Cover, available at $37.95.

Etsy says this is “a Fashionable, Functional Accessory to Any Golf Cart” and that it “Makes a Terrific Gift for Your Favorite Golfer.”

I can agree that this cotton cover is functional, especially during winter rounds when you want something between you and freezing vinyl cart seats.

However, the golf-themed fabric design simply cannot be called fashionable, and I actually do have standards.

Lastly, I would appreciate your assistance in making sure I don’t receive the Picnic Time 14.75″ Golf Course Themed Cutting Board with Tools.

Brookstone.com is selling this bamboo board for $69.95.

For that startling sum, the board comes with six cheese and wine tools, a removable golf pin with flag, and swing-out drawers to keep everything together between cocktail hours.

The only golf-themed items to be found around our kitchen might be some swizzle sticks from a golf course bar. That’s enough for me.

Thanks for the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not be given this Christmas.

Have a great holiday, and say hi to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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