Santa, please don’t give me this stuff

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 7, 2018

Dear Santa:

Another year’s gone by, and once again I appreciate that you’ve been really great at not giving me what I don’t want for Christmas.

Naturally, there are some more things I would like to not find under my tree this year.

Leading the 2018 list is the Intech Golf #2 Poop Emoji Mallet Putter, offered for $32.99 at offpricegolf.com. 

The ad copy says it is “sure to get a laugh every time you use it,” but I really don’t think that is true – at any time.

To make things worse, this brown pile of poo putter comes with a matching “#2” headcover embroidered with the phrase “its time to go”. 

Just seeing this thing for sale has got me down in the dumps, as it were.

I was also pretty skeeved out by the Robert Graham Leather Oxford golf shoes with removable cleats, on sale at Nordstrom.com for a blistering $299.90 a pair.

Looking down at my shoes and seeing those skulls in the floral pattern will not do great things for my golf game.

According to the Nordstrom writers, “Fashion plates will love these cool, playful golf shoes that can transition from the course to cocktail hour with minimal effort.”

I think they meant to say “minimal taste”.

I’m still trying to lose some weight, so please make sure I don’t receive a dozen golf-themed chocolate covered Oreo cookies, sold on Etsy.com for $24.00.

Just seeing these half-golf balls on top of Oreos covered in green icing should help keep my appetite down – but better safe than sorry, I always say.

Sometimes the ad copy for Christmas golf gifts says more than what might have been intended.

That’s what crossed my mind when I saw the golf-themed Hot Sox Men’s Crew Socks, sold for $11.37 at Amazon.com.

In a golf gift piece published at townandcountrymag.com, the writers claim these socks are “much classier than a ‘I’d Rather Be Golfing’ t-shirt.”

With all due respect, that’s a very low threshold.

I love to play golf, but that doesn’t mean I would enjoy Mini Indoor Golf, with the little man at the end of a golf club taking a swing at tiny golf balls on my living room floor.

Sold at Amazon for $59.99, I give the game developers credit.

They created a miniature version of the real thing, with interchangeable clubs, “sand” traps, and even a “water hazard”.

Even so, nothing about this game holds any appeal for me, although others might be fine with it.

One reason I play golf is that I’m not good at other games, including but not limited to basketball.

That’s probably why I have no interest in the Hot Shot Putting Cup, sold at golfgifts.com for $19.99 SRP.

This device features a backboard and hoop set just above the hole, with the balls running up a sharp ramp to make the “shots”.

Not only am I sure I would I miss nearly every attempt, the effort involved would probably mess up my normal putting routine.

I know my limitations.

I already have a few pieces of golf-related art in my office, so I really don’t need a Louis Wain Print showing cats playing my favorite game.

These prints are available at Etsy.com for $9.00, so at least the seller is not trying to gouge cat-loving duffers.

On the other hand, I remain un-charmed by the depiction of blue-coated cats putting with what look to be croquet mallets.

There are limits to the amount of whimsy I can stand at any one time.

When I cover the LPGA Tour, I often see some cute or funny headcovers used by the players to add a smile to the challenges they face during their tournaments.

However, if it’s all the same to you, I would not like to have the Scooby Doo headcover on my driver.

Sold at Dicks Sporting Goods for $29.99 SRP, the cover looks like a pretty faithful recreation of the none-too-bright cartoon dog.

I appreciate the effort, but it’s just not for me.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas.

Have a great holiday, and please say hello to Mrs. Clause and the elves.

Yours truly,

Fritz

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