Please don’t give me these golf gifts for Christmas

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 1, 2006

Dear Santa:

It’s that time of year, when I tell you what I don’t want for Christmas, and either you or the elves reading your mail for you just don’t seem to understand.

Lemme try again, based on the horrifying stuff I have seen at some online golf stores.

For example, we’re doing some re-decorating around our house. Even so, there’s no way we would ever use any of these Retro Golf Café Chairs in our kitchen, porch, or frankly anywhere else.

The folks at DesignerGolfGifts.com did what they could to hype these pieces of schlock.

According to the ad copy, the legs are steel shafts, with aluminum golf heads for the feet. The backrests are also steel, with gold-dimpled golf grips topping them off. They say the wooden chair seats are “ergonomically designed for super comfort,” but from the looks of them I just don’t think so.

And at $349 apiece, there’s not much about these chairs that would make me ever feel good.

Many people believe that alcohol and golf are the perfect companions. However true that may be, I just don’t understand what’s so appealing about the Tipsy Golfers Wine Bottle Holder, especially when Designer Golf Gifts wants $21.95 for it.

Apparently the only way you can make these figurines stand up is to poke a bottle through a gaping hole in the chest of one of these characters, which is pretty skeevy when you think about it.

It’s also pretty obvious that the marketing people couldn’t think of much good to say about this item. That’s because once again they used a phrase I’ve seen elsewhere all too often: “[M]ake[s] a unique gift for the golfer who has everything.”

Do tell.

I also wonder if some of these gift people are as devious as I think they might be.

Consider this offering, The Golf Bag of Dirty Tricks, now on sale at Designer Golf Gifts for $11.95.

It’s not just the pile of flat-headed tees that make it impossible to keep a golf ball on top of them. It’s not just the wobble golf ball that you’re supposed to trick your partners into using for a crucial putt. It’s not just the exploding golf ball that bursts into a cloud of white powder on impact.

The fact that all three of them are in the same package is what makes me wonder if they really believe anyone would use all of these lame-o tricks during the same round of golf.

Maybe once–and that’s assuming the would-be jokester would ever be invited back to play in the same foursome.

I’m also at a loss to explain why anyone would really, really want to have their very own Golfing Fortune Cookies, also found at Designer Golf Gifts for $8.95 apiece.

The box is shaped like a classic take-out box, except for the golf artwork covering every square inch of it.

I’m a bit leery of the “fortunes” printed on the paper slips inside these cookies, especially when they think this particular example will entice you to buy them: “A wise golfer never doubts the boss’ score.”

Ooh. My sides.

Sometimes I think these golf gift folks are missing their real target audience.

For example, The Golf Warehouse offers these Team Golf Tee Mates, sold in 3-packs for $11.95.

These plastic tees are graced with a college mascot figurine on top, from schools in the Big 10, Big 12, SEC, and ACC conferences.

Right now they’re trying to sell them to the golfers who went to these schools, but I think the real market is to golfers from the rival schools.

I can easily see an Auburn golfer gladly whacking away at this Alabama golf tee, for example.

Let me know when they come out with a Villanova tee, but for now I don’t need them.

Thanks again for not buying me any of these golf gifts for Christmas, and say hello to the elves and Mrs. Claus for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz