The Annual Please Don’t Give Me This Stuff Letter

Written by Fritz Schranck. Posted in Golf Column

December 9, 2016

Dear Santa:

Thanks very much for making sure I don’t receive certain golf-related gifts, based on the many letters I’ve sent you about them. I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of other stuff out there that I also have no interest in receiving.

So I’m writing you once again, to make sure you know how I feel about the gifts I don’t want to see under the tree.

For instance, I’m probably as competitive as anyone when I play golf, but I know where to draw the line.

And on the other side of that line is the Golf Voodoo Mini-Kit, complete with handbook (on sale for $4.13 at PrankPlace.com).

According to the ad copy, there’s not only a “powerful” voodoo doll—there’s also a set of “tee-shaped voodoo pins” and a handbook with all the “voodoo spells and techniques” you can use to win your matches.

If that’s what it takes to win, I’m happy to lose.

I’m mostly retired now, so I have more time around the house than I once did. Even so, I really don’t need this pair of golf-themed Snoozie Mens Mancave Classic slippers, found at Amazon.com for $14.99.

The non-skid soles are a good idea, and the “soft coral fleece” is definitely a coral color, but I’m just not a slipper kind of guy.

Also on the home front, please make sure no one gives me these Etsy Golf Hangers, available for $22 apiece.

The folks at Etsy.com claim that these bits of recycled golf clubs are a “Unique Gift for Dad.”

As you and I both know, however, any ad that uses “Unique” is usually in deep trouble from a marketing perspective, and these expensive bits of metal are no exception.

Related to that, I also have no use for the Etsy Golf Club Coat Rack/Hat Rack, on sale for either $54.95 or $64.95, depending on whether you choose the 24-inch or 36-inch length.

I realize you can have these racks done in a variety of finishes, including chestnut, walnut, or even unfinished so you can match it to your wall paint.

I’ll pass, thanks.

With the cold weather, I often use a knit cap pulled over my usual baseball cap to stay warm while playing golf.

This combination works for me, and frankly way better than the Dapper Driving Cap found at Etsy.com.

This crocheted cap is made in Russia from both wool and acrylic, and can be yours for $35.96. The website says “It will lend a vintage air to anyone,” and also says, “It’s just so handsome.”

Wrong on both counts.

If you could also make sure I don’t receive these Blue Q Golf Socks, I would be greatly relieved.

Walmart is selling them for $10.76 a pair, but sometimes just being inexpensive isn’t enough.

I’m enough of a fogey to still be surprised when I see younger men out on the golf course wearing black socks with their shorts.

How much worse would it be if I were to wear a pair of socks featuring a golfer and the phrase “Swing Your Thing” emblazoned around my ankles?

On the home front, I have no interest in seeing the Iron Bird Sculpture anywhere on my lawn, in the back yard and especially in the front.

At Etsy.com, this neo-modern gathering of metals and old golf clubs is being sold for $35, and that’s a steal in art terms.

At best, it’s an acquired taste I’d rather not have.

Unfortunately, my wife says she likes it, so now I’m a little concerned.

Thanks for the opportunity to tell you what I’d really like to not be given this Christmas.

Have a great holiday, and please say hi to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz